im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
