I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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