your parents love me but you hate me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
