Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
