Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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