Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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