All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
