FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
