I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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