I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
