why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
