I faked an abortion last night.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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