If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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