you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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