Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
