How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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