I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
