The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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