Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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