You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
