My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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