A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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