now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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