i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
