I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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