i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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