So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
