Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
