1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Randomize
