Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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