Pappa wants mamma naked
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize