I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
