So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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