no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
