Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
