i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
