i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
