Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
