8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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