I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
