This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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