There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Randomize
