Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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