Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
