tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
