you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
