I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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