I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
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And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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