she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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