We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
