he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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