she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
