Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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