my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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